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Most of you know…

June 5, 2007

>what is going on in our lives right now, and it’s the hardest thing either of us have had to go through. And, to compound our strong desire for kids and the inability we have had thus far of staying pregnant, most of our friends are now on the path of parenthood. The following post is a quote e-mailed to me a few weeks ago from my sweet sister who is now expecting. I love her dearly and it hurts to not know exactly how to be or what to say, to be totally excited for her but devastated that I’m not going through it as well. I know that someday we will be blessed with a baby. Until then, encouraging words like those below are the only thing keeping me strong, and will hopefully encourage the many others who are sharing in this struggle.

“Children. I want children. Not just a baby. Not just a child. I want children. Three of them. If I were younger, I might want more, but at thirty-four three seems like a good number. Marrying a little late and moving across the country a couple of times as well as a long-running struggle to pay the rent delayed the real trying for a while. The trying has been going on for a long time now. Not as long a many of you, but much longer than most.

To no avail. No children. Not one pregnancy. I have never experienced that wonder of knowing that there is a life inside of me. Instead, there is a longing that will not be filled, that will not be diminished, that will not end this side of heaven without children to fill it.

Nothing else in my life has been as baffling to me as not being able to conceive a child. My emotions hide even from myself, spilling out in tears of sadness or anger at the most inopportune times. There have been no days of real clarity, no times when a light has come on to show the way—not even a little. But the mysterious and marvelous mercy of God has convinced me of one thing in all of this—it is dark because I am in that deep, hidden place under God’s wing.

Certainly, the inability to bear children to the glory of God is due to the sinfulness of sin and its effect on all of life. It is not that God punishes us by not allowing us to give birth to the offspring we most desperately desire. It is rather that we, along with all of creation, suffer the wretched consequences of the sin of our first mother and father, Adam and Eve, compounded by the sin of all the sinners who have come after them. And that, of course, is all of us.

Since this is so, I know that, as with all of life, I must not put my trust in anything other than God, even in the provision of a child. This does not necessarily mean that I may not use a medical intervention to try to conceive a child. It does not mean that adoption is not an option to pursue. Rather, I trust that God in His mercy has given us these means as part of His redemption from the effects of the Fall.

At times the knowledge that God has given His covenant of grace to believers and their children makes not being able to have a child even more difficult to understand and bear. God has rescued me from such a desperate place and has given me such a glorious glimpse of Himself that I want, with all that is within me, to see this passed on to the next generation of my family, my children.

My heart cries out, “Why, O God, will You not answer this prayer? Why will You not do this simple thing for me and for Your own name’s sake? You do it for so many so easily. Your marvelous grace. Why not to me?” With thoughts like these, it is easy to fall into deep despair, and at times I certainly do. When this happens, God in His time and His various graceful ways, comes to me to remind me that I am not alone. He does not, as so many do, tell me that “my time will come.” He does not say that if I will just relax and not try so hard, everything will be okay. He does not say, “If you adopt a baby, you’ll get pregnant.” He does say that He is with me. He weeps with me as Jesus wept for Lazarus. He reminds me that He is good and that He can be trusted with my heart. Any doubt of that was wiped away at the Cross.

He has given His best to me, His own beautiful, beloved Child. Will He withhold any good thing from me? No, never. Is Jesus enough to make up for this aching void in my soul? I do not always feel that it is so. But it is. Jesus loves me—this I know.”

-Debbie Trickett, from The True Woman by Susan Hunt

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One Comment leave one →
  1. March 6, 2008 8:50 pm

    >I found your blog through Amanda Jones and I have been reading through it. I’m so excited for your new baby and so sad at the same time for your sister and friend. I know you must be an emotional basketcase.It encourages me to read you went through infertility. I’m struggling with it right now and seeing women come out of it with beautiful children gives me hope. This post was what I needed. I’m like the woman who wrote this – 34 and married late and wondering why God is waiting. But I know He loves me and my trust is in Him. I will be praying for you and your friends.

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